It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
