Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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