Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
