We named our party play list daddy issues
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
