Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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