What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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