There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
