um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
