good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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