Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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