i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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