i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
