Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
