Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm really busy with my period
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