Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
