You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
