I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Your cock deserves a montage
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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