You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize