Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
jump out the window naked night went bad
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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