I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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