"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
