I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
