Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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