What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
