I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
