i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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