Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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