I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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