lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
