I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
