Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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