I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
