I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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