How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
