I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
