i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
