On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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