you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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