got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
