things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Who died my cat blue again?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
