New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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