watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
