I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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