I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
