The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
