i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
