I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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