I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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