true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
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Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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