don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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