i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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