I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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