Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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