did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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