he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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