i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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